How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
