wrigley field is MILF paradise
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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