This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
