you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
