Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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