That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
