just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
