Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
