Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
