matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
