Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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