so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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