good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
