Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
