I puked a lego.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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