Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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