i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
