We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
