is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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