She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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