He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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