My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Actions speak louder than pants.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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