Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
