I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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