walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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