I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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