he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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