he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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