just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
