Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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