I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
