I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
