I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
