I just gift wrapped bread.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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