John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
