i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
