She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
