I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
