Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
