I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think your dad took our porno
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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