um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
