I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Its about making memories worth repressing
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
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I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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