Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Boobs are out for the taking
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
