Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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