the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
