Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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