Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
