I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
