i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
someone owes me an orgasm
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
