theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
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Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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