Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
