If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
