She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
