i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
