i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
